I mean, a mediocre joke, but seriously come on
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
Overheard at Epcot:
In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help
"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across". "How many letters?", she replies. "Thousands I'd imagine."
Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
That sounds a little far fetched
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
A man dies and goes to Hell…
Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis. One day, the man comes up with his darkest, most ingenious torture ever. However, it requires removing all light from Hell. He goes over his idea with one of the demons. "I like it, I like it!" says the Demon. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." So they go to this giant gilded door, walk in, and see a large, horned devil standing inside. Intimidated, the man starts squirming and asks, "Who is that?" "That's Beelzebub, one of the seven princes of Hell." They explain their plan to Beelzebub. "I like it, I like it!" says Beelzebub. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, and Beelzebub all go to a magnificent castle. Inside, on a chair, is an enormous horned devil more fearsome than Beelzebub. Even Beelzebub looks intimidated. "Who is that?" whispers the man. "That's Satan himself!" replies the demon. They explain their plan to Satan. "I like it, I like it!" says Satan. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, Beelzebub, and Satan all approach this magnificent stone spire, climb up it, blow a horn, and down comes a rather unassuming-looking office worker in a button-down shirt. Satan starts looking intimidated by his evilness. "Who's that?" whispers the hellbound man. "That's the guy who made Reddit's 'Promoted' ad content now appear three or five posts down the subs' feeds rather than in a banner at the top."
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”
Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
What two words have the most letters?
Post office.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Just beer i guess.
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks. " The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied . "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
I’ve always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.