I MEAN AM I RIGHT? OR AM I RIGHT?😂😂😂
I found r/atheism the other day
Still can't believe it
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.
Corona did what Trump promised
What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream?
Cookie D'OH!
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
Broken pencils are pointless
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What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
![[Legit] Facebook friend is single, ladies](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/ccgn3unc5ao11-400x205.jpg)
What’s the best way to kill communists?
Communism.
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
Did you hear about the guy who got the hand transplant?
He's feeling much better now
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade
He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says, "If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him. He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage. When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal. Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Imagine if Americans decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be a mass confusion.
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
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No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?