I mean, it’s not wrong!
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
If a blind girl says you have a big penis
She's probably pulling your leg
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
How does music say goodbye
Audios
An airplane is about to crash!
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra…
Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir? Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend? Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers. The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.
Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
My son asked me, “Dad, what is coincidence?”
I said, “Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing.”
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.
Two antennas got married last weekend
It wasn’t much of a wedding but the reception was wonderful.
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
Normie meme 3
Normie meme 3
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised…
I knew i recognized live-action Firelord Ozai from somewhere
I knew i recognized live-action Firelord Ozai from somewhere
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Went to a sperm clinic earlier. That lady asked if i would like to masturbate in a cup?
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
My friend told me the funniest joke about the Gettysburg Address.
It was historical
I told my dad Stan Lee died…
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
I can cut a log just by looking at it!
It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
I gave my boss some maracas for Christmas.
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.