I mean Pride Month is great and all…
But I was expecting more lions.
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.
“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound” “With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?” “Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW…” “Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.” “Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and…” “On my way!”
Out here in Virginia protecting my potatoes just like President Trump said 🥔🥔🥔
https://ift.tt/2XkWCUf
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…
Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says ‘One wabbit pwease’
"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?" "I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t made in France?
They were made in Greece
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .
He regretted not passing the bar.
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"