I mean, the point had already been made…
She was shellfish.
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
she was a neck-romancer
They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed
Those kniving bastards.
Randolf the brown nosed reindeer, he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
I hope you're happy.
She said 'hardback?' So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'
A very old man told me this story. "I finally left my house to go out to the store this week, and who do I see but my pastor comes walking over to me with a Bible under his arm. And this fella, he says to me, 'I haven't seen you in church recently.' Well that made me made, because you know, anybody who knows me knows that I've been in my house for the last two months with the virus going around. And he can tell I'm mad, but that doesn't stop him. This fella goes to hand me his bible, and he says 'A man of your age and your condition, I think you need to start thinking about the hereafter. Now, I've outlined a few passages that I think you ought to read.' But I pushed it back into his hands, and I say 'Pastor. You can keep your bible. I don't need it. I think about the hereafter every damn day. First thing when I wake up in the morning, I walk into the kitchen, then I go into the bathroom, then I go into my bedroom again, then I go back into the kitchen and stand there looking into the icebox for twenty damn minutes wondering…. now what was I hereafter?' "
It was about time.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
They push twins together to make a king.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
Because it is cheaper.
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
So I packed my bag and right
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Aisle B, Back
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.