I meant like a pizza party
An old, gross joke about deer hunting
This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent. I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's asshole. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virgina deer, and he wanted to see my Virgina permit. I had hunted in Norfork, Virgina about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virgina permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits. About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go. I shot three more deers during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virgina. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virgina, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?" I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I hate Russian dolls
they're so full of themselves.
A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up he had 400.
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.