I messed up the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia
(stolen from tumblr)
Don’t be mad at lazy people
They didn’t do anything
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
No text found
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing…
Probably because it's a Dell
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
One day, a wife came home early.
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.
It improved my outlook.
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
Politeness is key
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
What did one orphan say to another?
Robin, get in the Batmobile
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
Once i told a hammer joke
I nailed it.
