I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter….
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven." He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?" The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden". St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?" The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve." "Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one". "Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
V
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
Due to quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
Like my name, phone number, address…
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?
It had a bison.
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting!” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers. "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!" It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'" "Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"
What did E.T.’s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
One Finn
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought… Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men…it's a trap. There's two of them."
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
“Dad, was I adopted as a child?”
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, “Paper or plastic?” She responded, “It makes no difference to me. You choose.” The bagger explained that he isn’t allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
A Cockroach and a Cricket were talking
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.