I met an Asian guy at a party and asked him, “Are you Chris Chen?”
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you?
Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl…
One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
I am reading a horror story in Braille
Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
Did you know Rick Astley was a huge Pixar fan? He will lend you any movie except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na."
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.
I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn’t be a musician.
But did he listen?
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping
They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson thinks for a minute before responding: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes looks at Watson before responding: “No you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.”
I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾