I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, “Why?! Is it because I’m small and cute!?”
"No…" I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel…
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian. Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian." The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down, "that's funny…"
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says – “Talking dog for sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??" "Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that.
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
She looked surprised.
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
The world ended when I kissed an alpaca.
It was the alpaca-lips.
What did the Nazi dentist say on reddit?
Thanks for the gold kind stranger! Edit:Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
I thought of a great joke about a boomerang, but I forgot it.
It will come back to me.
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.
The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
A police man pulled over a miner.
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, it’s borderline Chile.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
[Warning: 18+]
19.
Wikipedia says there are only 2 atms in Antarctica.
But you shouldn't use them unless you want your assets frozen.
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
“it is what it is”
“it is what it is”
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.