I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, “Why?! Is it because I’m small and cute!?”
"No…" I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."
I am reading a horror story in Braille
Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.
A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.
When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively. After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Well…Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
Shout out to the guy that makes these sausages
In my heart, he'll always be a wiener
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
I’m not sure why we don’t classify churches as businesses.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
Me Tarzan, you Jane…
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
As a doctor I never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?” His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying
Are you having a crisis?
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…
and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."
People always tell me I’m condescending
(That means talking down to people)
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
it's all about raisin awareness
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
So proud
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said “I’m warm.” Son piped up and said “I can finally say this – Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel…
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.
So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus
Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark. Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly. – "I can't run that fast" – The monk thought. He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped. – "I can't jump that high" – He thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away. – "I can't swim" – The monk thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it. – "I can't climb" – The monk thought. He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach. – "I can't fight" – the monk thought. He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch. – "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" – He asked the thief. – "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody". And the monk kept his promise.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
I just quit my job at the Helium plant
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.