i might be old but i got the spirit
National Dad Conference
Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it” Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad” Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
What is the opposite of minimum?
minidad
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
I hate people who take drugs
For example, border security.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period
You get your palm red for free
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.
Then I realised she can't even.
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go." The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that." The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
Why is 10 always afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR