I might destroy this man’s career…
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It was a family album
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
It was actually an apple.
because it’s in the middle of water
They made a racist joke.
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
It was pretty mindblowing.
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better…" and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956…". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Because you can’t see in the dark
if it isn't autocorrect?
They can't handle the stakes.
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
Because he's always in stitches!
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
Wanna go ride bikes?
"Yes we arson…"
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Yes we arson
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.