I miss the 90’s
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
It must have been something I said
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
No text found
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
“No sir, your pizza will be round.”
Then it would be a foot.
The no-shit Sherlock!
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
Step 1: Step 4: Step 9: Step 15:
Get in the car
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!” The priest says: “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says: “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: “Jesus Christ, you’re back again?!”
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.