I miss you
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!
What do call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
I didn’t lose my virginity til I was 23…
other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick from her purse, instead of her lip stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
What do you call a youtuber who’s also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
What genre are national anthems?
Country music.
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"