I must have an amazing butt
Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cuz you’re blocking the TV
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
Do tree Poop?
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shay.
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones…
… but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooo!!
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
Juggling seems fun
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
I called the doctor and screamed, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Calm down, is this her first child?”
I shrieked, “No! This is her husband!"
Accidental Dad Joke
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
Out here in Virginia protecting my potatoes just like President Trump said 🥔🥔🥔
https://ift.tt/2XkWCUf
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers
“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.” “Can you tell me what comes after three?” “Four” “What comes after six?” “Seven” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
If you’ve spent ages figuring out how to keep herbs and spices on your belt loop…
…you've waisted thyme.
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.