I N F I N I T Y
But it can't be that hard.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
He was kicking himself.
I can do it with my eyes closed
But today, I ran over 5 miles
That way it will never come for me
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish." The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it." So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?" The bird is silent as a stone. "Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?" The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night." As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!" The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"
No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
They couldn’t control their pupils
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors
. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.” The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The American says, “That's nothing.” He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return." The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here." The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again." The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!” The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles" After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day" The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
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Yes, we arson.
Because it was two tired.
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.