I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
Why don’t burns go to college?
Because they've already got their degrees.
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff….
Bah-dum tssssssss
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.