I need a funny random pun or acronym for TJ
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
It’s pointless to get into an argument about the Adam and Eve creation story versus evolution.
It is comparing apples to origins.
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
What do call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff!
What do you call a comedian who can’t remember the punchline
Idk I’m the one who’s asking
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands. That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
The Logical Redneck
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
Have you heard about the new craze where guys bedazzle their testicles?
It's Pretty Nuts.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need it to go skydiving TWICE.
Your mom is so fat
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum Wow, thanks for the support guys
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
![[NSFW] Triple D Boobs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/sID9hHy-400x659.jpg)
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
I’m a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
