I need a haircut!
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
Alabama currently has the highest rate of adultery.
It's the state of affairs.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
I don’t like stand-up comedy
But I do like sitting down
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
No text found
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
I asked my friend what an acorn was
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
I’m starting a tattoo business. Women who show their breasts get tattooed for free.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
https://ift.tt/2xVb5gR
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told em to pipe down.