I need answers 🙃
He hated the juice.
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
if it isn't autocorrect.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face: Hi I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid, I’m dad
They become VERY ANGRY
Their words, not mine.
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
They get baked.
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
Why can't this flight attendant understand that?
No text found
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
you could say you are… Independant
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
The first dog, a big dog, walks to the bar and asks for 3 frothy beers. The barman is stunned and exclaims "What!? A talking dog! I can't believe it!" The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Huey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the second dog, an even bigger dog, approaches the bar and orders 3 frothy beers. "You're kidding me! Another talking dog!?". The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Duey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat. 15 minutes later the third dog approaches the bar. The barman excitedly asks "Let me guess, your name is Luey and you do regular dog things too?" "No." the dog replied, "My name is Socks and I've had a terrible day .. just get the fucking beers."
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
A Rain Bow tie.
It was our first midwife crisis.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."