I need pun help!
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
All my friends claim that Iām the cheapest person that they have ever met.
Iām not buying it.
Iāll never forget my grandfatherās last words…
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
My son is so ungrateful,
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert
Their socialism is just too much
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
https://ift.tt/2Y8K0BE
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
I donāt advertise my lip reading business…
Itās all word of mouth…
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! š
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because heās having trouble sleeping. āHave you tried counting sheep?ā the doctor asks.
āI tried,ā the boxer explains, ābut every time I get to the number nine I stand up.ā
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didnāt want to hear her Saab story.
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
I just got back from the doctor, who told me I’m infertile.
I'm not kidding.
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: āJust checking my balance.ā
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down…
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells āIf you promise to blow me then Iāll save your life!ā āWhat is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!ā She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. āIāll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.ā He offers while holding on to her hand. āAbsolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I donāt want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!ā At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman letās go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims āIāll suck!! Iāll fuck!! Iāll do anything for you!!ā The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: āWhat a whoreā and proceeds to drop her.
Hindus are so chill
iāve never had beef with any of them
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
What did the officer say to his belly button?
Youāre under a vest!
Just been fired as an interrogator
I suppose I should have asked why
can you do it on the end?
can you do it on the end?
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
You canāt breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
I wasn’t sure if this belonged here, r/im14andthisisdeep, or r/forwardsfromgrandma
https://ift.tt/33rtjjN
A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3Ā² meals a day.