I need to stop doing this. But I’m also broke lol
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
Bob the mailman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman." "What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride
What is 5Q + 5Q?
You're welcome.
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
Itâs fully groan.
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
Why donât you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Theyâre really good at it.
What do you call a dad joke thatâs matured?
All groan up.
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…
He just kinda blew up
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
Someone asked where I saw myself in two years…
How should I know. Itâs not like I have 2020 vision.
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
Itâs pretty lit.
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
Is an entire TV show a valid âboomer humorâ submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge