I need to stop doing this. But I’m also broke lol
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
…has only made me stronger.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Terminating com surrogate twice.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
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when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
I was wrong on many levels
"I'm breathing underwater." I've never been prouder.
Those faggots arrested me.
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: “Hey Granddad, why don’t we give it a try?”
He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me." It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try." So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be. "Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you." Says the old man: "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."
They've been vaccinated. We know this because: •They're over three years old •They're retarded.
I have fortitude.
They might be seeing someone on the side
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
A pilot, you racist
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
From a well, actually
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
A four-chin teller.