I need to stop doing this. But I’m also broke lol
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
What’s worse than a loading animation?
Two loading animations!
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory..
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
I just saw some idiot at the gym
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
![Dracula’s midlife crises [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/vFI8NEj-400x1202.jpg)
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says “Dad look…”
"I'm breathing underwater." I've never been prouder.
I saw two guys walking around in same outfit with their dog, so I ask them if they were gay.
Those faggots arrested me.
I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: “Hey Granddad, why don’t we give it a try?”
He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me." It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try." So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be. "Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you." Says the old man: "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."
Anti-vaxxers are the biggest hypocrites. How?
They've been vaccinated. We know this because: •They're over three years old •They're retarded.
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
Won’t blame ya’ll if u don’t find the man on the right as familiar as u find his name.
https://ift.tt/2V491Ld
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
Where do man-splainers get their water?
From a well, actually
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
