I need to tell my girlfriend she’s using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
How do I soften the blow?
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
Hold my juicebox while I impress her.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
Mistake after mistake
A Facebook meme, of course
How Web Browser works
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
Somehow the Senate has forgotten how to work
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
My multithreaded application
I tried to make a meme
Who wants one?
Honoring the white flag
This situation is SAD AF but this guy is funny…. WELCOME TO AMERICA
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
What Europeans think of American gun laws
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
Trump’s tremendous UV light cure for covid19
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
The superior unit of lenght
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
My toe sis
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery
It was a joint operation
Recursion well explained
The plot thickens
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
Me walking into a problem I have no absolutely no idea how to solve
No more hand sanitizer?
I guess they link up nicely
Debugging be like..
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
I think my wife is a time traveler
I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.
Why must you act quickly during a flood?
Because it's an emergent sea.
A Syrian kid in France.
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up …
Which I really didn't appreciate.
Healthcare workers are heroes.
Big :/ hours
Their inconsistencies and hypocrisies are almost palpable.
A guy finds a Genie in a bottle…
A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!" The guy says "Ha, Make it four" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!" The guy stumbles "Oh wow, okay umm, then I wish for 300 wishes!" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE DENIED! YOU MAY ONLY WISH FOR MORE WISHES ONCE! YOU NOW HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT!" The guy asks "Wait, you count it as a wish even if you deny it?" The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE ANSWERED! YES, AND ASKING QUESTIONS COUNTS AS WISHES TOO! YOU NOW HAVE ONE WISH LEFT!!" The guy screams "SHIT!!!!" The Genie awkwardly claps his hands, and says "Thanks man, I've been stuck in that bottle for 4000 years" as he runs towards the bathroom
Debbie downer is what we are
An interesting tittle
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
A man walked into his doctor’s office…
…complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, he complied and returned the next day with an apple, an orange, and a Mars Bar. The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. With one deft motion, the Doctor rammed the apple up the guy's arse, swiftly followed by the orange and the Mars Bar. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, I want to see you here at the same time every day for the rest of the week, and bring another orange, apple and Mars Bar." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head. All week the same routine ensued. First, the doctor rammed up an apple, then an orange, and then a Mars Bar After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in an apple, and orange and a hammer." "No Mars Bar?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor. On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the apple, and up went the orange. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed. Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's arse. "WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARS BAR??" "WHAM!!!"
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.