I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
It was an unexpected Journey.
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A husband says to his wife: "Darling, I have to tell you something" Wife replies: "What?" Husband: "I don't know how to say this" Wife: "What?" Husband: "I don't even know if I should tell you" Wife: "What?" Husband: "You're completely deaf" Wife: "What?"
I'll meat you in the middle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
But I stand corrected.
Turns out it was a typo.
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
Because they’re good buoys
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever she’s driving
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
Because it was soda pressing.
his parents just died
A plain bagel.
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused