I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
A Canadian..
Can't.
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
I’ve just been stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.
She asked me what i knew about dwarfs…….I said "very little."
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who’s come crawling back
What does the clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
You all must have heard about the man who invented the knock knock joke.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued. “Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?” The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, “But your name is Brian…”
I exclaimed, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"