I never knew covering up my bald spot would cost so much.
But it's a price I'm willing toupΓ©e.
Why wouldnβt the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, βWhere did an old lady like you get all of that money?β She replies, βWell, thereβs a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.β The cop asks, βSo what did you do about it?β The old lady says, βI get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!β βThat seems fair enough,β the cop says, βso whatβs in the other sack?β The old lady replies with, βNot everyone paysβ¦β
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess theyβre aimed at a younger audience….
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It's called "wedding cake."
My friend told me I have no idea what irony is
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age.
But the judge didn't see it that way.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
Why is Beef a bad password
Itβs not stroganoff
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because theyβre full of Arab semen.
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
I was washing my car with my daughter the other day
and she asked βDad, why donβt you just use a sponge?β
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Iβll be right back." "Thatβs better, but itβs still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.