I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
What do you call an iron made circular amusement ride?
A ferrous wheel.
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. " The blonde look around and says " Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes…"
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
Itās very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
You know, the worst thing about porn is that…
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, ā oh thatās just a freebie.ā
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
Iāll only be making inside jokes.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, āFive beers please.ā
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldnāt handle it.
People are going crazy from being in isolation!
Actually, Iāve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didnāt mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, the situation isnāt that pressing. The vacuum was very unsympatheticā¦ told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and felt it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and it didnāt say anything, but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and then…. The curtains told me to pull myself together!
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home