I never say curse words
Dad: Son, what be a pirate’s favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby’s! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate’s favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate’s favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
the snow balls
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.
And damn I looked good back then.
They don't sell alcohol to miners
Nevermind it’s pointless.
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
Anyone have any tips?
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”
“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly. “I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.” His new bride pondered this for a moment and said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.” “No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
It was accidental.
No text found
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
McDonald’s ice cream machine
I haven’t heard from him since.
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Would they change their name to knockers?
Just to take the edge off
Because then it'd be a foot.
It didn’t stop ringing
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
But then I decided, “Eh, I’ll just do it.”
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I just came to this realization.
You want a piece of me?
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
He pasta way
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
You can hide, but you can’t run.