I never say curse words
I swear
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
https://ift.tt/2StZDgM
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
A German pushes his brother off a cliff
"look mom no hans!"
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice…
Except Chris Brown
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands. That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed. I was shocked and appalled.
How could anyone stoop so low.
The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it" The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
Nvidia RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Robert De Niro)
https://youtu.be/L9TXOp4TBOg
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime