I never say curse words
I swear
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?
Children of the quarn.
Called my friend.
I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you." Friend: "Ok shoot" Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno what?" Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up? Friend: I dunno what? Click
I’ve always wanted one of these on my car
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Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
A piece of rope walks into a bar
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus
and I lost my job as a bus driver.
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
Guacawakamole.
The guy who invented the knock knock joke…
Should win a no-bell prize
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!" His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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A man walks into a suit shop…
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
