I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex
But when the time came, I finally knew
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient…
…as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
All I wanted was one nightstand.
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
and it doesn't.
No text found
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄 Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲 Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree. Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓 Me: Oooof Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you? Him: I wooden know about that
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."
They’re waiting for their turn
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
The Chinese man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?” The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg… Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man, surprised, replies: “Uhhh… Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.” “Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?” “You know… I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.” “Uhhh… but that was an iceberg.” “Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”
but I drew Barry more
I'd have to change my name
I call it "Letter Rip."
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
I don't know why
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Adam was born in Hong Kong as the seventh child to the Lee family, who were loving parents. Adam's parents had moved to Hong Kong in from a small village in the Xinjiang province of China in search of a better life for them and their family. However, due to a lack of proper education in their village, they struggled to find work and both ended up working as cleaners in a University, earning minimum wage and they struggled day to day to get by. However, they were loving parents, and gave everything they could to their children. Adam had a happy childhood, a better education, and loved his mother and father dearly. The day after completing his final school exams, young Adam's world was torn apart.His parents had been killed in a tragic boating accident while they we celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. This devastated the teenager, he adored his parents and felt he has lost his whole world. He decided to go travelling to get away from the life in Hong Kong, where every day he was reminded of those he had lost. Using his meagre inheritance, he booked a ticket to London and packed a single bag, not looking back. Adam lived the high life, working in hotels and bars, he travelled Europe, drinking and partying his sorrows away. After a good six months, he met a girl and settled in Amsterdam, which was as good a city for the young man as you can imagine. He was fed up with the lifestyle of hospitality work, and found an ad for a job as apprentice cheese maker, of all things, studying the profession under the tutelage of Franciscus Veltman, a cheese maker world renowned, his Edam especially was constantly voted the best in all of the Netherlands. As such they technique and recipe was a closely guarded secret, only known to Franciscus himself. Things unfortunately faded away with the girl, as young love tends to do, however Adam had inherited his parents work ethic, and turned out to be a natural at making cheese. He and his mentor formed a close bond, with Franciscus, who was unable to have a family of his own, loved and looked after Adam as if he was his was his own son; and Adam himself looked up to him as a father. He had even finally taught Adam the secret Edam recipe, strengthening the bond between the two. With the help of Adam, Franciscus' business went from strength to strength, and after 3 years, he decided to take well deserved vacation for the first time in decades, such was his dedication to Caseiculture, safe in the knowledge that his livelihood was in good hands with Adam at the helm. He booked himself on a week long cruise down the Danube, as he'd always wanted to see the beauty of Budapest. Alas, tragedy struck again, as the cruise ship capsized, and Franciscus drowned in his cabin. For the second time on his still early life, Adam had been left heartbroken. He couldn't bring himself to stay in Amsterdam, packed his things and moved back to Hong Kong. Never one to be fully hindered by adversity, Adam used his skills and started his own cheese shop in his hometown. Again, thanks to Adam's hard work, talent and dedication, this was a roaring success, he made cheeses from all over the world that delighted the taste buds off anyone who tried them. As a tribute to dear old Franciscus, he however never sold his world famous Edam, only keeping it to make at home and treat those nearest to his heart. Despite constant calls from cheese lovers the world over who had tasted the Edam in Holland, Adam never wavered, and the cheese was never sold to the baying public. Adam at this point fell in love with the daughter of the owner of the florist next door to his shop, a beautiful young lady called Chen. He finally plucked up the courage to ask Chen out, ask took her to the finest restaurant in Hong Kong. Chen fell for Adam's wit and charm, and before long they were married in a lavish ceremony. Six months of marital bliss later, Chen becomes pregnant. Adam is delighted, with his life finally coming together. When Chen goes into labour, Adam rushes to the hospital. Ten painful hours later, and Chen gives birth, not to a child, but to a deer! Everyone is in shock, and experts the world over descend on Hong Kong to witness this miracle of science, but no one can explain it. Nevertheless, Adam and Chen treat the deer as if it was human, and in a fitting tribute name him Franciscus after his mentor and father figure, but along the way, shorten it to Frank for ease. Young Frank, despite the media attention, lives a sheltered childhood, and learns to walk, speak, goes to school, and leads as normal a life as an anthropomorphic deer could do. Adam continues to run his now thriving cheese business, and still keeps the masterful Edam just for special occasions with his new family, and Frank adores it, counting down the days until the next event when Adam brings it out to share. Frank continues his education, but a final tragedy was awaiting Adam. Chen, while out on a sailing holiday in the South China Sea with her now retired parents, fell overboard and was killed by a shark attack. Adam, after another cruel accident taking another loved one, cannot take anymore, and moves back to his parents village in Xinjiang, as far away from any large water sources as possible. He lives as a recluse, hiding away from the world in grief and sorrow. It's left to young Frank to run the cheese business. He, unfortunately, is not as adept at cheese making or running a business as his father, and the company starts to struggle. Realising this, he writes to his father for the legendary Edam recipe to sell to help revive the fortunes. His father, now a stubborn, grouchy soul, steadfast refuses out of tribute to Franciscus. Frank continues to just about keep the business afloat for the next few years, but every six months sends the same letter to his father asking for the recipe that could turn around his fortunes, but is constantly refused. Finally, Frank hears word that Adam is on his death bed, his grief stricken body as succumbed to cancer. Frank rushes to Xinjiang, to find Adam in a terrible state, with only hours to live. After a long and tearful goodbye, Frank again asks for the recipe. Adam, gives him a long look up and down, and says with his dying breath "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but Frank Lee, my deer, I don't give Edam."
She says it drives her up the wall.
I heard their service is second to one.
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
Because they have no body to go with.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.