I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
It scares the hell out of the dog.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
…of the indoor fins…
She always runs from the ball
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
I could use a light snack.
…my super power would be foiling crime.
It was sole crushing.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.” When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves. When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my horse stop laughing and win $500”. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says I’ll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it. So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse “my dick is bigger than yours”. The bartender asks “so what did you tell him just now?” “Nothing, I proved it”.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds. The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel responds:"Each clock in this room represents a country back on Earth. You see, each clock has the country's name written on the hand, and each time a person from that country commits a sinful act, the hand on said clock goes forward a bit. The bigger the country the bigger the clock." Intrigued by this, the man seeks out the clock of his own country, Canada. And what do you know, there it is, going forward one step at a time. He looks at all the other clocks, like Russia, the biggest if them all. Right next to Russia is tiny Estonia, and next to that Finland, Sweden and Norway, all going steadily forward, almost simultaneously. But one clock is missing. The man asks the angel, "Where is the American clock? I thought it would be pretty big, but I can't see it anywhere." The angel responds:"Ah yes, that one. An arrangement was made to have that one transferred to hell." The man asks:"Huh? Why is that?" To which the angel responds:"It's being used as the ceiling fan in the smoking room."
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
It's called AD/BC
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
It's nice to have some company
Because they're so good at it.
They say it's a blast from the past.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
…for complete cavity protection…
To the dock.
Because they cant even.
I named it The Trail Mix.