I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
What do you call a drunk coffee?
Amerrycano.
How do you spell Panda?
In order to spell Panda, all you need is p and a.
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians…
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
“They were the best boos, the greatest boos, nobody gets boos like me let me tell you!”
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I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
What do you call a dyslexic atheist?
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
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Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
It’s not really a meme, and not really science, but it deserves to be in here.
https://ift.tt/2t6a9nD
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
Training for dad level jokes.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”