I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
and boy are my arms tires.
To break on through to the other side
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
And boy, are my arms Thor!
You spend too much time on the web
They have a foot fetish
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
Because he was resisting a rest.
It's alright, nobody came.
It was in the middle of 9/11.
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
He's going to he'll.
I prefer to see it as a plus
But I don’t have enough karma
So we stopped playing chess.
Dinner is on me
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’. The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!" "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I’d like to find a happy medium.
He had loco motives
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?" The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink." "The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says….. "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?" The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
… whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Blunt force trauma.
I said maybe.
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.