I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.
What happened to the barber after he got caught on fire?
He got side burns.
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake…
… until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians…
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
Saw a great movie last night about databases.
Can't wait for the SQL.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
The first vacuum ever created probably sucked.
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Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
I tried to catch some fog
I mist
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Airline food is disgusting
It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food
I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit
My wife said it was a huge waist
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I went to Walmart today..
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.