I never workout either
What’s the first book in the video game bible?
Sega Genesis.
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
Student loans you got me through college
I don’t think I can ever repay you
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.
Women love a man brimming with confidence.
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most have 4
Had sex last night,
I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar. I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?" I said "Sure Kim had a cute little beauty mark just under her chin, and her twin Tim has a dick."
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
If Mustard cured constipation …..
They'd have to spell it different.
