I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
But why you eat them all
Knowing sign language could really come in handy.
No text found
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
From the grave…
I’m not even surprised.
As if she sleeps anywhere near him now.
I think a new acronym is warranted
A bit older … but still
“…we aren’t allowed to say the truth…” What?
My son gets to play a frosted cinnamon biscuit in the school play!
It's a sweet role!
Nerdjacking at its best
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Hur dur ipod iPhone bad
Ladies and Gentle Men: My team for the next 10 months
Wait, no, that’s not supposed to happen.
Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
is it Classy?
OH NO! LEAD!!!!!!!!!
My mom just posted this on Facebook.
While studying equilibrium:’)
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Will you look at that, just found $30 trillion between the couch seats
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Stoopid snowflake millennial parents
🤣🤣🤣 wiFe=cOviD 🤣🤣🤣
Parenting a newborn sucks sometimes
Boomer humor I actually enjoyed
Someone Messaged Me On Discord Today
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
STOP the bullying
Easy peasy, professor!
Feel bad laughing at this!
I am literally just posting this here so someone can explain the joke to me
I speak the truth
They say sex sells…
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
When there’s too many bugs
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
A Deplorable Question
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
A gay man, a straight woman and a programmer are stranded on a deserted island.
During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life. The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life. The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
So I texted my crush and asked her, “Are you an ancient artifact,”
“Because I want to date you.”
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Somebody once told me
The world may never know
Oh god please not #4
Haha! women are complicated!
Found this on Linkedin
6 warning shots
Outstanding move ?
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
Found on my grandmas fridge
But the glove?
oops! all atoms!
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down