I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases.
Edit: Thank you for the silver
If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke…
she would have $0.77
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
To the person who stole my glasses IM WARNING YOU!!
I have contacts
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class…
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
Why do they call it possession of marijuana?
They should call it joint custody
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Why must you act quickly during a flood?
Because it's an emergent sea.
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
Don’t be mad at lazy people
They didn’t do anything
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
A kid asks his mom:
Mom, what’s dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.
