I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
I had to get rid of my old ladder today
We had our ups and downs but I'll still miss it
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
Grenade actually accomplish something when it triggers. EDIT : NOT FROM USA NOR WHITE
[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal
They just want to dye. (My first oc please don’t hurt me)
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
I have a horse named Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
Super Bowl Halftime
At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0
I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.
She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
I just ate 2000 pounds of Chinese soup
It was Won Ton
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!