I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
Change my mind.
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Because Monday is a weekday…
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
“Doc, I think I have ADHD. I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”
Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works. “But I keep losing my Focus!”
I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "£500," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
Democratic Socialism isn’t “free stuff”. It is getting services for your tax dollars.
https://ift.tt/2H6meMP
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
Three vampires walk into a bar
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
It’s ironic that Parasite won.
Because there was no host for the Oscars. Huh? Huh? I'll show myself out.
I
J
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
“Everything left of Reagan is Communism” – What a magat at work actually told me on Friday.
https://ift.tt/2PNG3Og
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
This sub is going downhill
https://i.imgur.com/CJaxoIO.jpg
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?
The cold shoulder.
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
Your penis is so small…
that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert
Their socialism is just too much
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.