I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
After my performance at the shooting gallery, the coach said, “Take a bow.”
"Shooting isn't your cup of tea," he continued, "You better switch to archery."
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
Thank god Canada’s not the super power
or we’d all be sorry
An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.
Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor." Officer: "That is correct." Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?" Officer: "The floor was still wet."
Will glass coffins be popular some day?
Remains to be seen.
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals…
"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!" And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark. "Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?" "Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied. And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes. "Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
My grandad always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
What happens in Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.' Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!' The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?' 'Yes.' 'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?' 'Yes.' 'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?' 'Yes.' 'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.' Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.' 'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.' The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.' Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,' How much for some pussy?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?' 'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?' 'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.