I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
They say he was defeated in battle
Only a fraction of people will get it
Remove the S
The red flags were everywhere.
But when I do, he laughs.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' ‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' ‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
The servers are currently down…
Before work, during work, and after work.
Eventually I folded
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
but now it's just water under the fridge.
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
He was consumed by pride.
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!” The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? Stake. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip. What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow. What do you call a cow with five legs? Chernobull.
Whether they like it or not
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
Something inside me is telling me yes
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I’ll be studying a broad.
You look for the fresh prints.
It was oddly sharp
I'll find you. I have contacts.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
Because he’s an X-Boxer