I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
https://ift.tt/36JRQDy
Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Keith. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything."
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
So I texted my crush and asked her, βAre you an ancient artifact,β
βBecause I want to date you.β
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
Thereβs no menu: You get what you deserve.
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
Stolen, but proves that Boomers have become self aware, their humour knows no bounds…
https://ift.tt/3e90SO3
A man gets pulled over by the police…
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn’t believe in science.
Her name is Dee.
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
Customer: I have a question about the menu please.
Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
Don’t get mad at lazy people..
They didn't do anything.
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
Thereβs a lot of big words youβre hearing little buddy, I know itβs confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly. – "I can't run that fast" – The monk thought. He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped. – "I can't jump that high" – He thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away. – "I can't swim" – The monk thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it. – "I can't climb" – The monk thought. He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach. – "I can't fight" – the monk thought. He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch. – "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" – He asked the thief. – "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody". And the monk kept his promise.
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2