I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.
I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?”
He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
I reported a bug for a game that came out yesterday, the cause had me laughing so hard
https://ift.tt/2LJIXR8
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are on a train
Door opens and a beautiful young woman sits into their compartment. After a bit, while crossing her legs, the woman accidentally farts. She goes red to the tip of her hair so the Englishman gets up and says: "My apologies, madam, gentlemen, my lunch disagrees with me" After a while, the woman accidentally farts again. The Frenchman shoots up like a rocket and says: "Gentlemen, please excuse me, my lunch disagrees with me". Then the russian gets up and says: "I'm going out for a fag, if that bitch shits herself – it was me".
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Horse code
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra
There's too much sax and violins
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me
Why is McDonald’s so exact about how many French fries they give you?
They operate on a shoestring budget.
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
What do you add to make a car go faster?
No text found
How does music say goodbye
Audios
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
If two vegans get in a fight,
is it still considered a beef?
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
America will never know a finer moment than when this abomination is out of office.
https://ift.tt/2N1G8uS
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
So this might have been posted before but…
A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom. She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week! The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit. A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day. The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. “Why is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses. That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit. They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night. About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
Was in the pub with a mate last week…
… and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us. My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone". I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on