I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
Multicore programming be like
Yeah… now that the rats are fleeing the sinking ship, don’t forget this…
Me and my friend trying to save our programming project
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
What’s up, Steve?
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
How World War 3 will end
Terminating com surrogate twice.
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
Found on Instagram
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
A random voice asked: “Have you recently had an accident that wasn’t your fault?”
I said, "Yes, when I picked up the phone."
Rip splat earther
Found at a local thrift shop
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
What do you call a small mother ?
I’m still not going to forgive them for all the running in high heels though.
Feels good man
People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing
And it’s discussing fucking.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
The salesman asked me , “so which mattress do you want?”.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
Side projects are more interesting always!
Stormy seas ahead
Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband’s cell-phone
"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway" Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "Yep," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" “At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ……. "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"
The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given
Programmer vs bugs
Call and response
do UC what i see
Siri always listen
Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
Found one in the wild
Couldn’t Have Happened to a Better Guy
My anus is gonna drop out sooner or later
Children bad, alcohol good
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
Checkmate, AI devs
A ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
I never met herbivore.
Happy birthday to you…
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Why always the big nose?
Hits close to home
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
Seems appropriate for this sub
Newton would be proud
bad marriage funny
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
Ron Perlman everybody
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
Where nightmares comes from
A blacksmith finishes making a few horseshoes and leaves them on an anvil.
The blacksmith returns to the forge as a cowboy walks into the shop and picks one up only to put it back down immediately. "Hot ain't they?" the blacksmith asks. The cowboy replies, "Nope. It just don't take me too long to look at horseshoes."
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
When will 6 be long enough
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.