I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
They told me Iād never be good at Poetry because Iām Dyslexic.
But so far Iāve made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely.
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
My girlfriend was shouting āGive it to me now! Iām so fucking wet!ā
I simply told her āThis umbrella is mine. Go get your own.ā
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly canāt remember a single time Iāve ever forgotten anything.
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
Self isolation is getting so bad Iām starting to crush on my roommate.
And weāve been married more than 27 years!
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
Cake day…. Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, āIām pregnant!ā
She really has the worst stutter ever.
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I donāt know what to do with the letters
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, itās borderline Chile.
Three construction workers are sitting down on a beam of a skyscraper to eat their lunch…
First guy says, "Tuna fish on rye again? I tell ya. If that bitch makes me tuna fish on rye again tomorrow, I'm just going to jump off this building and kill myself!" Second guy says, "Leftover meatloaf for the third day in a row! If I gotta eat this crap one more day, I'm just going to jump off this building and end it all!" Third guy says, "Bologna sandwiches again! Yuck! If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm just gonna jump." The next day, the first guy opens his lunch. He sees it's a tuna on rye, and he yells, "FUCK!!!" and he jumps off the building and splatters on the street below. The second guy opens his lunch box. "Goddamn meatloaf again! That's it!" And he leaps to his death as well. Splat! The third guy opens his lunch box. "FUCK!" he says. "Bologna! Goodbye, world!" And he steps off the girder too. A moment later, he splatters on the street below. At the funeral, the widows are sobbing and crying to the heavens. "Oh, Joe! If you'd only you'd told me you didn't like tuna fish! I would have made you something else!" And she breaks down, inconsolable. The second widow tears at her shirt. "Bill! Dear sweet Bill! Why didn't you tell me you hated meatloaf so much! I had a fridge full of cold cuts of all types!" And she collapses to the floor, heartbroken. Everybody looks at the third widow, sitting there knitting all by herself. She looks up and realizes they're staring. "Don't look at me," she says. "That idiot packed his own lunches."
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
Me: It doesnāt matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back upā
Cop: āSir, thatās not how a sobriety test works.ā
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"