So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed…. well, everyone except one guy.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
An airplane was about to crash..
There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
Went to a sperm clinic earlier. That lady asked if i would like to masturbate in a cup?
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
A boy come home from school and says “Guess what mom? I had sex with my teacher today!”
The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son: "GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!" So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens the door, and says with a stern voice: "Your mother told me about your day at school… I can't tell you how deeply, seriously, and truly PROUD I AM OF YOU!! HIGH FIVE BUD! For you to get it in, at your age, with a teacher?! I love that my young man's a STUD! To celebrate you being AWESOME, you're getting a brand new bike. Right now, let's go!" So the proud father and son walk to the bike store and walk out with a new set of wheels. The father says: "There she is son, how about you ride this baby home?!" The son replies: "Dad, I'd love to but I can't, my asshole still hurts!"
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
Why was the virgin left hanging?
No text found
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
How tall is Kanye West?
Oh, about Ye high
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
He was delighted
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.