I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
![[Image] Start slappin nuts](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/gcq5ipdaba441-400x712.jpg)
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him. “I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.” “A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked. “Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
My friend Victor recently changed his last name to “E”, but no-one knows why…
He’s become a Mister E…
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
A mobile phone is like a penis.
Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But theres too many drawbacks Edit: Heckin thanks for the platinum!!!
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
What do you call a cow with…
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? Stake. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip. What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow. What do you call a cow with five legs? Chernobull.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
Security professionals advise to never use ‘beef stew’ as a password
It isn’t stroganoff
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer…
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
So a guy and his gf are making out
and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. “Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy. The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.” So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. “Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
What happens when an artist can’t take criticism?
They take Poland, instead.
Do you know what the best way to build suspense is?
No text found
For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.
