I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
I was gonna try out archery
But theres too many drawbacks
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
So this guy walks into a library
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises” The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet” He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
Why can’t a nose be longer than 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Geology rocks …
but geography is where it’s at!!
When you forget how to stand in your flesh disguise and an Earthling gets suspicious.
https://ift.tt/2Su1Knj
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire….
The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34
ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
I’ve always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
Amazing Team Player
The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview. The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it. The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same. He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player. He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?" The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?" The interviewer says "Yes" "Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
