I ordered a desk, a mouse, and a set of dumbells online. So far only the desk and mouse arrived
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
can you do it on the end?
can you do it on the end?
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar…
And checks his clock. "1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" – Thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up" So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him: -So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day? The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool: -Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers. The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds: -The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.