i-pad bad
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
Why was the horse so smelly?
Because the cow gave him a pat on the back!
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
Are you today’s date?
Because you are 10/10
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
I just quit my job at the Helium plant
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.” “You miss me that much?” she asks. “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.
Shrödinger’s Homo Thought Experiment
I would like to take this time to discuss the thought experiment of Schrödinger’s Homo. You all have probably heard of Schrödinger’s Cat, as well as people saying “no homo” after a seemingly homosexual type of interaction. I believe there is a problem in this philosophy. If you do not think, or say anything that implies the existence of there being homo, then therefore, we do not know if there is homo in the situation. However, by saying “no homo”, you immediately imply the possible existence of homo in the situation, and therefore, there is homo and you have ruined the entire situation. Therefore by saying “no homo” it does actually mean that it is homo.
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Me: “Do you shower after sex?”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
I’m amazed by dry-erase boards…
They’re remarkable.
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes…
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green