I personally drink it in a holy grail
An 18-wheeler filled with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway today.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It's called "wedding cake."
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.
During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "Oh, well, that won't work.." said the Son. The Mom, now curious, asks why not, and the son say "Well, as soon as you fall asleep, Ms.Dollip (Their neighbor) comes in and blows him back up again."
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex
So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in town. Once she finds him she tells him she wants to lose her virginity to him. After they have sex the nun takes him home, reaches into her purse and gives the man $100. The man says “wow I got to take your virginity and you will pay me the sex must’ve been amazing “ The nun tells the man “ No the money is for you to buy some smaller shoes.”
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
A golfer and a caddy step into the golf course. The caddy asks, “Sir, why did you bring two bags?”
The golfer replies, " In case I get a hole in one."
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.” With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.” “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.” The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.” He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!” The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.