I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption…
She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple. "There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed. The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
My friend just emailed me a compressed nsfw video
sigh… unzips
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?" "I won First Place!," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering" says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?" They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest – Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Donald Trump ?" asked Pinocchio.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
I can’t find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.
It was here a minute ago
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
Jesus at Last Supper
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am
Is it The same shit different day?
3 frogs get arrested
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go. The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go. The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog." The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."
My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.
"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning… And I have oatmeal every morning."
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
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